Am I selfish?

So I’m sitting here, In my room…our room( My boyfriend and I) thinking to my self while he is out playing football, bored with a thousand thoughts I want to just scan from my brain on to this page. I was wondering ‘Am I selfish?’

I think I’m socially selfish in many ways selfish to my self and selfish to others. I find my self enjoying my my own company but worrying that I just don’t get out enough and I cant tell if I like it or not. I wouldn’t really say I have ‘friends’ as I don’t make the effort with any one I really know. I rarely get invited to do things because people probably know I’ll let them down by saying ‘I’m tired, I don’t have enough money, I’m not in the mood’ But then I complain that I’m not experiencing life. I think my thoughts are that I need to leave London to experience things but how will I be able to experience and enjoy things if I cant even enjoy where I am now. Some times I’m not even sure if I like people, I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone that I’m weird and I blame that on other people. I get jealous at other peoples lives and the friendships they have although I feel like most of their relationships are fake and pointless and I don’t want to waste my time with that nonsense.

My life felt like it change at 16, when I was diagnosed with Lupus and possibly younger when the end of secondary school started going down hill. To be fare I can’t really put my finger on what happened but I pretty much lost all my friends in my last year or so at school, I wasn’t a bad person, at least I don’t think I was. But everyone just didn’t like me any more my two best friends at the time found there new groups of people and I just started bunking school avoiding everyone and hanging out with people in my area. Getting up to no good smoking and staying out late not studying and praying for school to end so I didn’t have to face the people who I felt hated me or didn’t even care enough to hate me. Then I got ill very ill to the point of bedridden and I lost my new friends and saw the truth..they didn’t really care either.

After this I gave up trying to make friends or keeping them, people like the groups they have, the people they have known for years and don’t need new people like me in their lives, I became socially awkward, embarrassed and scared to ‘hang out’. College was a great time I must admit, and I met some wonderful people but again they have their own friends and I’m just a girl they knew/know.

I’ve always been a bubbly person and little crazy..well alot crazy, but I don’t think I’m over bearing, I’m not in your face or too loud so I don’t get why I just don’t click with any one. The only friends I have are my good male friend of about 6 years, he was there when I had no one and was always there to talk. He is the kind of friend you don’t see for months but when you talk its like you saw each other yesterday!

And my amazing boyfriend of three years, I can tell him anything, he has seen me at my worst, put up with my flip outs and my over emotional break downs over not getting the right juice I sent him to the shop for. He is my rock, but what will I do if one day he is gone. I need to be able to meet new people and not depend on people for support. But for me a real friend is some one you can call up and say’ I hate my life, the milk has gone off, I’m not getting out of bed today’ and have them reply ‘Its okay I know that feeling, Im coming round with some fresh milk don’t worry about getting dressed’

P.s I think it may of stemmed back to my 10th birthday when no one turned up, it was the worst feeling ever. I never threw a party again until my boyfriend persuaded me to throw a 21st birthday party, it was lovely to have college friends make the effort to wish me a happy birthday and I’m glad he pushed me to face my fear. Maybe people do care and maybe I just need people like him to push me.