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Nights Out

Hey Bloggers it’s been a while , but I’m lazy and bla bla blaaah.So anyway just a quick post abut nights out, I don’t normally go out often maybe once or twice a month max. Few reasons include money and drama. I always end up spending more then I expect no matter how careful I am, I mean I could leave my card at home but what about emergencies? What if I somehow end up stranded and need to get money out for a cab? What if I’m on the verge of drunken starvation¬† and need money for a kebab? Its serious out there.

So I went out with a ‘friend’ on Friday, well she’s the girlfriend of my boyfriends friend. P we we’ll call her and D is her man. Ok so the bf was going on a boys night out and I was out with P and one of her close friends, we started out pre-drinking in a lovely pub, having girly talks and the beginning’s on a girly night. Not long after a few shots and a couple vodkas D calls P. “Oh god here we go” I think instantly. Why? your asking, well some people love a good drama and can not handle their alcohol…

Let me take you back a few weeks to a Friday night out, a night we were all looking forward too. We all turn up to a pub in Camden and the dirks are flowing, then we all decided to move to the cub about 7 of us. The boyfriend and I mingle, dance and have a good time before I get a call from P in hysterics saying that D is drunk and being a total C%^& which now seems the common thing when we go out.

Turns out he had been punch by some random guy for mouthing off and been having a go at P for no reason then his insecurity and inability to control him self on alcohol. This argument went on for hours and while I stood in the street comforting P as she panicked about if D would let her stay at his, my boyfriend tried to calm down D. Its comes to the point when D comes over to P and I and I go to speak before he begins scream insults at me. I wont go into too much(don’t worry no one fought) but lets just say my boyfriend is a brilliant guy and knows when his ‘friends’ are in the wrong and when to protect me.

The point of the story is that when you go out with some people they love to cause drama and ruin everyone’s night, expect you to help them sort out the mess then tell you to mind your own business and not to get involved. So when P call D on Friday whilst us girls were at the club drunkenly shouting at her saying come meet them I new that I would avid them both for the rest of the night as I wanted to get home happy and at a decent time.

The thing is this D guy never used to be like this when we were out with him and his ex GF of 5 years. Is he really insecure and controlling over P or just a physco?

Oh and that night with all the drama I spent about £70 and was angry by the end of night!!

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Am I selfish?

So I’m sitting here, In my room…our room( My boyfriend and I) thinking to my self while he is out playing football, bored with a thousand thoughts I want to just scan from my brain on to this page. I was wondering ‘Am I selfish?’

I think I’m socially selfish in many ways selfish to my self and selfish to others. I find my self enjoying my my own company but worrying that I just don’t get out enough and I cant tell if I like it or not. I wouldn’t really say I have ‘friends’ as I don’t make the effort with any one I really know. I rarely get invited to do things because people probably know I’ll let them down by saying ‘I’m tired, I don’t have enough money, I’m not in the mood’ But then I complain that I’m not experiencing life. I think my thoughts are that I need to leave London to experience things but how will I be able to experience and enjoy things if I cant even enjoy where I am now. Some times I’m not even sure if I like people, I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone that I’m weird and I blame that on other people. I get jealous at other peoples lives and the friendships they have although I feel like most of their relationships are fake and pointless and I don’t want to waste my time with that nonsense.

My life felt like it change at 16, when I was diagnosed with Lupus and possibly younger when the end of secondary school started going down hill. To be fare I can’t really put my finger on what happened but I pretty much lost all my friends in my last year or so at school, I wasn’t a bad person, at least I don’t think I was. But everyone just didn’t like me any more my two best friends at the time found there new groups of people and I just started bunking school avoiding everyone and hanging out with people in my area. Getting up to no good smoking and staying out late not studying and praying for school to end so I didn’t have to face the people who I felt hated me or didn’t even care enough to hate me. Then I got ill very ill to the point of bedridden and I lost my new friends and saw the truth..they didn’t really care either.

After this I gave up trying to make friends or keeping them, people like the groups they have, the people they have known for years and don’t need new people like me in their lives, I became socially awkward, embarrassed and scared to ‘hang out’. College was a great time I must admit, and I met some wonderful people but again they have their own friends and I’m just a girl they knew/know.

I’ve always been a bubbly person and little crazy..well alot crazy, but I don’t think I’m over bearing, I’m not in your face or too loud so I don’t get why I just don’t click with any one. The only friends I have are my good male friend of about 6 years, he was there when I had no one and was always there to talk. He is the kind of friend you don’t see for months but when you talk its like you saw each other yesterday!

And my amazing boyfriend of three years, I can tell him anything, he has seen me at my worst, put up with my flip outs and my over emotional break downs over not getting the right juice I sent him to the shop for. He is my rock, but what will I do if one day he is gone. I need to be able to meet new people and not depend on people for support. But for me a real friend is some one you can call up and say’ I hate my life, the milk has gone off, I’m not getting out of bed today’ and have them reply ‘Its okay I know that feeling, Im coming round with some fresh milk don’t worry about getting dressed’

P.s I think it may of stemmed back to my 10th birthday when no one turned up, it was the worst feeling ever. I never threw a party again until my boyfriend persuaded me to throw a 21st birthday party, it was lovely to have college friends make the effort to wish me a happy birthday and I’m glad he pushed me to face my fear. Maybe people do care and maybe I just need people like him to push me.

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